It’s often challenging for people in addiction recovery, individuals with mental and emotional health disorders—or anyone, really—to establish healthy boundaries in many aspects of life. However, research indicates that learning how to say “no” may be just what you need for better mental health. 

No Isn’t Always Negative  

Whether as a student, in the workplace, between family and friends, or in other interpersonal relations, saying no in the right moments is a vital stress-relieving tool. So why does it feel so awkward for some of us? 

In an article for Psychology Today, therapist Keisha Moore says “at times society teaches us the word ‘no’ is impolite and inconsiderate. We feel more obligated to go along with things we honestly do not want to do in order to be socially accepted.” 

So what are some other reasons we say yes when it would be in our best interests not to? According to psychologist Scott Bea in an article for the Cleveland Clinic, it’s often because we want to please others, avoid confrontation, react compulsively, or have a fear of missing out. “Saying no is not a well-developed skill. We generally have long histories of complying with authority figures—parents, teachers, religious leaders—so, we don’t come to adulthood with much experience. Growing up, we were rewarded for compliance and experienced negative consequences when we didn’t perform a task,” Bea explains.

However, Moore adds that “saying no can create more mental health stability by helping with self-care and build your self-esteem and confidence by setting boundaries.” It often indicates that you: 

• Have insight into your true feelings. 
• Assign value to your time.
• Know when to stand your ground and when to share it.  

Learning how to say no successfully may take a few tries, but it can be done in a way that feels authentic to you.

5 Tips for Saying No Effectively 

We often feel we’re letting people down when we say no, but remember, you have a right to outline your boundaries. Additionally, a simple decline isn’t a rejection of the person you’re saying it to—it’s simply a critical communication tool to explain when something doesn’t work for you. Here are five ways you can express yourself truthfully. 

1. Be polite. This is often a helpful approach for not feeling weird about it all. Soften the refusal with language that genuinely expresses gratitude or understanding. For example, “Thank you for considering me, but unfortunately, I won’t be able to participate at the moment.” There’s no need to over-explain—which also helps you reinforce a necessary boundary with someone who might be tempted to push against it. 
2. Express regret. Show empathy and understanding for the other person’s situation. For instance, “I’m sorry, but I have to decline your invitation. I understand how important this is for you, and wish I could help.”
3. Offer an alternative. Instead of a direct no, offer an alternative solution that aligns with your preferences. For instance, “I appreciate the invitation, but I’m unable to attend that event. However, I’d love to catch up with you another time”—and be specific when offering suggestions as to when and where. This is also sometimes referred to as the “sandwich method.” Many people feel comfortable doing this as long as it doesn’t undermine their overall message or intent. 
4. Blame circumstances, not people. Shift the focus from rejecting the person to external factors. For instance, “I’d love to help, but I have prior commitments that I can’t change right now.”
5. Be gently honest. If you must decline, be direct about your reasons while maintaining sensitivity. You can say something like, “I’m honored that you asked, but I’m stretched thin with my current workload. I hope you understand.”

Bea says that sometimes we might still say yes but actually mean no as a way to “stall the negative consequences we think might occur if we refuse. Some people want that immediate tension reduction.” He suggests rehearsing ways to say no if the concept doesn’t come naturally at first so you’re more prepared, and even doing some role playing with a therapist if that helps.

You, Only Better, at Seabrook

At Seabrook’s four award-winning addiction treatment centers in New Jersey, we address more than just symptoms of substance or alcohol use disorders. We provide techniques for discovering where you’ve been and where you intend to go. Many methods for managing mental health allow you to remove previous barriers and understand more of your natural self. For many people, receiving professional evidence-based treatment combined with holistic therapies is the first time they’ve had an opportunity to explore their true selves. If this is the future you’ve longed for, talk with one of our admission specialists today.