The trials of addiction aren’t focused on one target: while the individual is certainly struggling, so are others around them. This is especially true for the children of people with substance use disorders. If you’re a parent who has struggled with addiction, it’s only natural to feel guilt and shame as you try to rebuild family bonds. However, it’s critical to remember that these emotions won’t serve your health journey, and you don’t deserve to stay stuck in this negative space. Instead, focus on embracing better parenting skills with proper support and guidance. 

First, Do Your Recovery Work

When some people first enter an addiction rehabilitation center, they’re often surprised to learn that adverse childhood experiences (ACE) contributed to the development of their substance use disorder (SUD) or alcohol use disorder (AUD). 

In fact, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention state that more than 60 percent of adults in America reported they had at least one type of ACE before age 18, and nearly 20 percent indicated they had four or more types of ACEs. These experiences include different forms of abuse, violence, trauma, and living in households with caregivers or other adults who had SUD, AUD, or a mental or emotional disorder. 

According to Joining Forces for Children, ACEs cause children to: 

• Develop toxic stress, which prevents proper neurological development and self-regulation skills. “This can impair awareness, emotional intelligence, emotional attunement, social cognition, and interpersonal competence.”
• This “stress pathway” has a domino effect, resulting in anxiety, depression, and impaired learning and memory.
• If not therapeutically addressed, the effects of ACEs impact not only genes that control the stress response but also genes that are implicated in numerous adult diseases. “The way we are taught to deal with stress has been shown to be a transferrable trait from generation to generation,” notes the organization. 

So if you’ve identified ACEs as one of the root causes of your AUD or SUD, you’re now in the driver’s seat to make sure positive change happens for your children. 

First, lead by example. Reinforce your sobriety by attending peer support group meetings and, if necessary, regular counseling sessions. Schedule a recovery checkup with an addiction specialist to make sure to stay on track with your wellness goals. Demonstrate the value of maintaining physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health in all the ways that matter to you. These and other progressive actions help your children understand that everyone can learn and grow from the past, build resilience, and create a brighter future.      

6 Tips for Better Parenting in Recovery 

You’re not pretending to be perfect or some kind of superhero. You’re only human, after all. But there are many ways to form stronger connections and live with more joy. Here are a few ideas.

1. Have honest conversations

Frank but age-appropriate conversations with your kids give you a chance to take ownership of your condition and past actions, offer authentic apologies, create safe opportunities for your children to express their emotions, and talk about how the family will work together on healthier behaviors. This open line of communication extends into other vital areas of family life, too.

2. Catch your kids being good

Nemours Kids Health states that to encourage more of the behavior you’d like to see, reduce criticism and instead focus on specific positive actions. For example, “You were really patient when playing with your brother today” or “I noticed you took out the trash without my asking—thank you for being so considerate.” The organization notes that it’s important to “make a point of finding something to praise every day. Be generous with rewards—your love, hugs, and compliments can work wonders and are often reward enough.”  

3. Make family time important

Family time doesn’t require a lot of money or fancy things to foster a strong sense of belonging and presence. Spend time exploring the great outdoors, reading together, dancing in the living room, cooking meals with one another, sharing a particular hobby important to your child—the ideas are endless. 

4. Set proper boundaries

“The goal of discipline is to help kids choose acceptable behaviors and learn self-control. They may test the limits you establish for them, but they need those limits to grow into responsible adults,” Nemours Kids Health explains. Be consistent about rules and expectations. 

5. Be a good role model

Have you made mistakes? Sure, but you learned from them and are changing behaviors for the better. Are you able to show genuine interest in and appreciation for your kids by being a thoughtful listener? Absolutely! Can you show them the importance of giving back to others, expressing appreciation, acting with kindness, and other essential life skills? You betcha! Here again, you’re choosing to lead by example. 

6. Stay open to additional education

Every family situation is different, but when you’re parenting in recovery, there are many techniques recommended by experts that can help. Seek out more guidance through resources such as Simplicity Parenting, Tools of Growth, and the New Jersey Parent Link.

The Family Foundation at Seabrook

Seabrook has a 50-year legacy of helping clients and families find the courage to recover from SUD and AUD. One of our more specialized approaches is the Family Matrix program: a chance for loved ones to work together to begin to heal and strengthen bonds strained by addiction. 

Our four award-winning treatment centers in New Jersey are CARF-accredited facilities. CARF is an organization that promotes best practices in the fields of behavioral health and evidence-based addiction recovery. Our board-certified professionals will help you forge a new path of wellness with the people in your life who matter most.