How to Forgive Yourself and Stop the Shame Game

Any one of us can feel shame about something we said or did, but all too often, people in alcohol and drug addiction recovery really struggle with it. Sometimes shame shows up in how we refer to ourselves, such as using first-person language like “alcoholic” or “addict,” and other times, it’s a prevailing feeling we can’t shake. However, experts agree that the sooner you forgive yourself and move beyond shame, the better your life will be. 

What Is Shame?

Merriam-Webster defines personal shame as “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety…a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute.” The American Psychological Association (APA) applies this understanding by defining shame as: 

“A highly unpleasant self-conscious emotion arising from the sense of there being something dishonorable, immodest, or indecorous in one’s own conduct or circumstances. It is typically characterized by withdrawal from social intercourse—for example, by hiding or distracting the attention of another from one’s shameful action—which can have a profound effect on psychological adjustment and interpersonal relationships. Shame may motivate not only avoidant behavior but also defensive, retaliative anger. Psychological research consistently reports a relationship between proneness to shame and a host of psychological symptoms, including depression and anxiety, as well as eating disorders, subclinical sociopathy, and low self-esteem.”

As you can see, there are a lot of moving parts with this emotion, especially as it relates to how we view ourselves. Results from a 2021 psychological study indicate that shame is a self-conscious emotion: “When a person perceives themself as ‘a bad person’, their self-esteem decreases.” As such, shame can incite a vicious circle—as low self-esteem influences our behavior and interactions with others, this often worsens our feelings of shame and devaluation, which affects behavior, and so on.   

One of the most well-known researchers on the topic of shame is professor and author Brené Brown, who’s been in recovery since 1996. She summarizes her findings this way: “I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.”

Shame vs. Guilt: What’s the Difference?

In 2023, the APA released a podcast featuring author, researcher, and professor June Tangney of George Mason University. Her definition of shame mirrors Brown’s, and then she defines guilt as “focusing on a behavior somewhat separate from the self. You can be a good person but do a bad thing. And so when people feel guilt, they feel, typically, bad about something that they’ve done, something specific, or not done that they should have done.” 

When we feel shame and fall into that spiral of self-demoralizing behavior, we’re less likely to take responsibility and change our actions. On the other hand, Tangney notes that “when people feel guilt about something they’ve really done and just focus on ‘I feel bad that I did that’, then they’re more inclined to […] want to confess, apologize, make things right.”

It may be a new concept to think of guilt as actually being a path toward progressive change—and it’s not something that’s automatically worked out by reading an article. However, if you genuinely feel remorseful about your actions and don’t slip into the shame spiral, you have a greater chance of making the necessary corrections and eventually feeling a better sense of self-worth and accomplishment as a result.

Another important note: adjusting your behavior shouldn’t be driven by guilt. It’s imperative to work with a therapist during your recovery to address feelings of shame and guilt and devise ways to handle and resolve them. 

How to Move Beyond Shame 

Better Help outlines a few ways to understand shame and not get caught up in it: 

• Practice mindfulness and self-compassion so you can more easily recognize shameful thoughts and dispel them before they get out of control.  
• If you’ve truly wronged someone or done something you’re not proud of, “engage in self-reflection on your actions, make amends with the party you harmed, make a plan for changing your behavior in the future, and hold yourself accountable to it.” 
• Work with a qualified professional to improve your self-esteem. They’ll help you understand the origin point of the shame spiral and help you develop healthful techniques such as positive affirmations; reinforcing positive characteristics and accomplishments; spending time with people who help affirm your good, true self; and setting boundaries. 

Most of all, be patient with your evolutionary process. There are many reasons we tend to feel shame, and it’s essential to have the courage to discover what they are, forgive yourself for past transgressions, and learn to move beyond them. 

Discover a Better You at Seabrook

At Seabrook’s four award-winning addiction treatment centers in New Jersey, we strive to help you understand the many facets of who you are, why you’re in this moment, and what you need to move forward in confident health. This whole-person approach benefits you not only in recovery but in life. Talk to a member of our admissions team today to learn more about The Seabrook Model and how it makes a difference for you.